


THE Talk

by This_Is_Alias



Category: Team Fortress 2
Genre: Father and Son, Father-Son Relationship, I cannot fanthom why I wrote this, I don't trust you to keep my son safe, M/M, Overprotective Spy, Sniper's Van, Speeding-bullet, Spy the Father, The Author Regrets Nothing, The Talk
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-23
Updated: 2014-10-23
Packaged: 2018-02-22 07:06:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 928
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2499023
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/This_Is_Alias/pseuds/This_Is_Alias
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sniper and Scout are going out for a date but Spy isn't so sure that Sniper can be trusted to keep his son safe. So, what does he do? Oh - just give 'the talk' to Scout and interrogate Sniper, of course. (And obviously Spy has to ask some sensitive questions on their - ahem - bed business.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	THE Talk

**Author's Note:**

> Hi. *Waves* First work. Nice to meet you.

“Dad?” Scout poked his head into Spy’s smoking room and instantly gagged on the acrid smell of smoke, coughing and waving his hand to dissipate the stench. How Spy could stand the smell surprised him. And then again, not – he spent so much time inhaling those cancer sticks that he probably was addicted to it, “Can I talk ta ya?”  
Spy was in the midst of rolling a cigarette. “Come in. And do shut the door behind you.”  
There was a scuffling noise as Scout tromped in and the door shut with a creak. Spy noted that his son was putting in effort not to slam the door like before. Lighting his now-rolled cigarette, Spy raised it to his lips and inhaled just as Scout took a seat opposite him.  
Scout was fidgeting, obviously nervous.  
“You look as ‘oppy as a jackrabbit,” Spy scoffed, exhaling a smoke ring, “Spill.”  
Scout wasn’t expecting Spy’s directness and stuttered nervously with his words. “Uh, ya see… um… Snipes and I are… uh, um… erm…” A mumbled something incomprehensive under his breath and trailed off, eyes flicking upwards and suddenly being very interested in the ceiling.  
Spy didn’t like it when people stuttered or mumbled. It was a bad habit – he thought, and for such a quality for his son to possess, it was an almost indiscriminating trait between the father-and-son duo.  
“Spit it out, Scout.”  
“Uh, um… Ya know, tonight's a ceasefire day, right?” Scout fidgeted, twisting his fingers together. Spy pretended not to notice and nodded. “Yeah… so, um, Sniper asked me out to, uh, on a… uh… a…”  
Spy’s face remained impassive. “A date, is that it?”  
Scout’s cheeks heated, hearing such a word from his own father. “Yeah, um, I s’pose so.” There was an awkward silence with nothing more than the sound of Spy puffing his cigarette. Finally, Scout couldn’t bear the quiet and spoke up. “So, can I go?”  
“Absolutely not.”  
“Wha- why?”  
“Until I speak to Sniper, you are forbidden to go.”  
“But dad…”  
“No, Scout.”  
“Please.”  
“No.”  
“Spy, you are better than-”  
“You are not using that again. No.”  
X-x-X  
Sniper arrived exactly on time – meaning six-thirty sharp that night. The moment he knocked on Spy’s door (as Scout told him to do), it swung open almost as if the person inside had been waiting and expecting his arrival.  
“Hey, Scout, why’d ya wanna meet me he…” He trailed off when he saw Spy’s scowling face. “Uh, hi, Spoi.”  
“Sniper.” Spy greeted coldly and opened the door for Sniper to enter before gesturing for him to take a seat on an armchair. The moment Sniper was seated, Spy sat on the opposite chair, face stern.  
Sniper fidgeted. Why was Spy regarding him with such a glare and where was Scout?  
Oh, there he is, His brain supplied when he spotted his boyfriend’s figure slouched in a dark corner of the room, almost looking embarrassed.  
“Okay, Spoi, what’s goin’ on?”  
“I’m gonna ask you some questions and if you don’t answer them well, you are not taking my son out.”  
“Uh, what? Um… Okay.”  
“Good.”  
And the interrogation began and went something like this:

Spy: “So, bushman, let me ask you – what would you have been if you didn’t join TF2 Industries?”  
Sniper: “Well, um… Oi guess Oi would have taken over my father’s job. Why?”  
Spy, ignoring Sniper’s question: “Okay. Now, what do you think of drink-driving?”  
Sniper, confused and sending panicked looks in Scout’s direction: “Huh? Wot?!”  
Spy, unamused: “Drink-driving.”  
Sniper: “Uh… Oi don’t think it’s recommended because, um, um, the driver has – loike – no control of the vehicle und stuff.”  
Spy: “Okay. When Scout says ‘no’, he means…?”  
Sniper: “Um, um, um…”  
Spy: (eyebrows raised)  
Scout: “Ugh, is this even needed, dad?”  
Spy: “It’s for your own safety. You don’t want to lose something as precious as your virginity to a man who doesn’t deserve you, right?”  
Scout, groaning: “UGHH!”  
Spy, looking back at Sniper: “So…?”  
Sniper: “No, Oi guess?”  
Spy: “Are you sure?”  
Sniper, spluttering: “Uh, no means no, doesn’t it?”  
Spy, obviously unimpressed: “It does, indeed. Now, tell me what you feel on premarital sex.”  
Scout, horrified: “DAD!”  
Spy, ignoring Scout: “Go on.”  
Sniper: “It’s uh, uh, umm…”  
Spy, to Scout: “I think he’s hesitating a little too much, don’t you, Scout?”  
Scout: “SERIOUSLY, DAD!”  
Sniper: “Uh-”  
Spy: “Never mind that. Do you think when one does it with the other, do they need to inform the parent or guardian?”  
Sniper: “Um… Oi think so…”  
Spy: “Good. So, are you planning anything tonight?”  
Scout: “OH MY GOD! I’m so sorry, Sniper!”  
Sniper, spluttering again: “No! Oi am not! It’s just a simple dinner! GOD!”  
Spy, unamused yet again: “I know you think I’m God but you do not need to express it. Final question – are you going to get ‘igh tonight, bushman?”  
Sniper: “High?”  
Spy: “Don’t act dumb. ‘igh, on drugs, drunk, same thing.”  
Sniper: “No, of course not. No drinks, Oi swear!”  
Spy: “Okay. I trust Scout’s decision and so you can take him out but…” (Looks at Scout) “You are on ten-thirty curfew, mon petite lapin.”  
“Sure thing.” Scout said, exhaling with relief. Things hadn’t turned out as bad as he expected it to be. Flames of mortification had threatened to eat him up but – who could guess – he was still alive!  
X-x-X  
“That was brutal.” Sniper said through gritted teeth as he steered his camper van out of the parking lot.  
“Yeah. Me dad’s just over protective.”  
“Kinda figured.”  
“So where are we goin’?”  
“You’ll see.”  
End.

**Author's Note:**

> Okaaaay... that turned out better than I thought it probably would. Please comment on areas I can work on. This was a really random idea inspired by Gena Showalter's Alice in Zombieland. Stupidity at it's finest, much?


End file.
